It’s funny what restrictions on your freedom can do to you. I have literally played golf 3 times in the 12 months. But the other day I looked at my clubs in the garage and had this moment of pure frustration that I couldn’t go and play. And then again, just yesterday, as I was rolling my foot over a golf ball I thought: man I would love to smash some balls right now. I indulged in a brief fantasy about what would happen if I teed one up in the garden and just smashed the shit out of it (sliced onto the road no doubt) But it’s crazy, my mind was going: “oh man, all I want to do is be able to play golf again!”
I caught myself in this moment and noticed how ridiculous this actually was. I mean, truth is, I wouldn’t have been playing if I had the freedom of movement we possess in “normal” times. But, I yearned to be out there on the course, right now. This makes me think about behaviours every parent would have seen in children. The forgotten toy. The one that sits in the corner of the room not played with and unloved for months….until… another kid comes in and picks it up and starts to play with it. Suddenly it is the most important toy that the child owns! They need it right now. How dare someone else use that toy and stop them playing with it!
It’s amazing that we can create a degree of suffering in someone by taking away something from them that they weren’t ever going to do or use anyway. I can’t play golf so I desperately want to play golf right now! I bet people feel the same about all sorts of things. Once we re-open the world I reckon there will be a rush to the fast food restaurants, and many of those people might hardly ever go in normal times, but hell, they’re thinking: “I’ve been denied it for so long!!!”
Now I could ramble off down a rabbit hole of psychology here, but seeing as I’ve forgotten most of that anyway, I think it is poignant to think about a critical fact in how we deal with our own emotions during a time like this. And, alongside that, to also acknowledge I write this from selfish perspective, as a way for me to speak to myself and how I deal with the my own uncertainties that surround my career, finances and my family health.
Now, it is obvious that the desire to do or eat things that we’ve been restricted from, can increase in intensity. But perhaps less understood, is our own emotional reaction to the crisis that is going on around us.
The critical point is:
That which we repress doesn’t grow weaker, it grows stronger.
This holds truth with how you are dealing with some of the feelings that might be swimming around in your head right now. Because, if you’re feeling sad, lonely, full of doubts, fearful or angry. Then the act of seeing these feelings as a bad thing, and then trying to actively repress them and bury them is harmful in so many ways.
What you’re creating for yourself is a pattern of avoidance. A desire to ‘be without’ the discomfort. The problem with that is that then many of the behaviours you choose to engage in become guided by your desire to avoid this discomfort, bury it, hide from it, deny it exists. These actions are often more harmful to you in the long term as it becomes the habitual way you handle yourself in times of emotional stress. But most importantly, by doing these you’re feeding a beast that can keep coming back stronger and stronger. Like my desire to play golf... well sort of (I had to link sport into this somehow haha)
Now, you may also have a misguided belief that you shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t blame you because it has been socially conditioned in many of us. The belief that you should be tough and unbreakable. The belief that you should be positive and optimistic. The belief that you should just feel good, all the time.
You don’t have to be any of those things. In fact, there is no “should” here. Where does that should come from? It doesn't belong in this situation and not in any of human emotional suffering. There is isolation, there is anxiety, there is sadness and if it’s with you in a moment, then that is ok. Take a breath into it. Name it, accept it and let it be there. That’s the bravery you need the most right now. The bravery to open up to and let in how you feel rather than run away from it, or repress it.
Through varying intensity we will all be dealing with the raw and pure emotion that comes along with a pandemic. Now is not the time to beat yourself up for feeling like this or not being able to “control” yourself. Now is not the time to run, numb or avoid your emotional experience either. It’s time to let that in and be kind and compassionate to yourself. Share your feelings with trusted people. Chose to do stuff that is based on what is important to you. Not based on what would make you feel better instantly or get rid of a feeling. Be open and welcoming of how you feel and remember that although you might be counting down the days until you're free to leave the house again... Life is still happening right now! So stay with it and present in it.
That presentation you have to do tomorrow.
The confrontational meeting you have coming up with your boss.
The 3 foot putt for Birdie.
The serve for the match.
The last minute kick for the lead.
What do all these things have in common?
People tend to massively overthink them.
Over thinking sucks. Its gruelling and emotionally exhausting to fearfully overanalyse and think through all possibilities. It’s called paralysis by analysis for reason. And can almost literally have that effect in sports!
I often have anxious sports people come to me and discuss how much they need to stop over thinking everything. It can really take us out of the flow and mess with our performance in many domains. So, if you are a chronic overthinker what you need to deeply understand and remember is this:
The thing that got you into this mess is not going to be the thing that gets you out of it!
True of many things in life, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is not going to work. You can’t positive think your way out of these things. Positive self-talk is just MORE thinking and it can add to the problem. It can be like chucking fuel on the over thinking fire and teaching you that you can THINK your way out of overTHINKING (good luck). It’s rubbish. Focus your attention on the doing. What can you do, despite the noise. What can you focus on right now.
I like to describe it with the story below
Imagine you are driving a car on a long journey, alone, in a foreign country, you’re on a tight schedule. You jump into the driver’s seat and get underway, but 5 minutes in, some horrible, horrible music starts blaring out of the radio. What you going to do?
You decide to look down at the radio and change the station. You’d love some nice music to listen to in order to make the drive more pleasant. So you decide to go ahead and try and find some. But the next station you find is equally as bad! Help! Now your focus is drifting more and more from the driving and is almost completely focused on changing the damn radio station. Grrrr. You look up, and just at the right time! You see you’re on the wrong side of the road! Eeeek! You swerve back into the correct lane. A near miss! YOUR DRIVING OF THE CAR IS SUFFERING. But still, this horrendous bloody music is going on and on. The worst, most annoying sounds in the world. Argh! What are you going to do???
I’ll tell you what most of us over thinkers do… That’s continue to try to find a station that we’re happy with, all the while slowly but surely taking our focus off the task at hand. Or, Yes, we just pull over ( = hesitate, procrastinate, avoid).
The simplicity of what is really required is often lost.
Drive the car.
Kick the ball.
Hit the ball.
Swing the club.
Run the race.
Our performance suffers because we try and tune our mind into a state that is happy and pleasant. But, what if we got better at actually treating our own thoughts like we could a car radio. This means you can acknowledge that what you’re hearing/thinking to yourself right now is unpleasant or unhelpful. Yes. Accept that. It sucks but it's there. This car journey may be harder than normal, but will even more satisfying when you arrive. But in doing that, choose not to focus on "my mind FM", just let it be there and continue to focus on the road ahead. So you can ultimately get to your destination safely (= perform at your best). Yes, that means you might be driving with some shitty music. But driving is the task, the goal, the whole point of you being in the car! It’s not having everything feel good for you. Focus on what you’re doing and why you're there doing it.
Overthinkers need to imagine the mind is like this radio in the background. Rather than the driver of the car.
You can listen to it if you want and really try and change the noise (and potentially go deeper into the problem) or you can focus on what you are doing, and (maybe Nike had it right) “just do it.”
Let go of the need to tune the radio and get better at driving through the shitty music.
Sounds easy but this is a skill that can be worked on every day!
First....Stop doing personality tests. They'll put you in a box (well most of them anyway)
Now, more importantly, know this...
We can change.
But we have to believe we can - This is the crucial part.
When I discuss "growth mindset" with athletes this is the key question: Do you think you can improve?
You can tell by someones language if they are really fixed in their thinking about themselves within certain parts of their life: " I can't do that..." and "I'm a person who doesn't do this" or "I'm just not a _________ sort of person"
These types of comments often indicate a belief that we are locked in who we are and what we are good/bad at.
There was a study done which investigated this where they compared shy people who thought their shyness was unchangeable, to shy people who thought that their shyness was able to be minimised and change. The second group approached social situations in a much different way. They were more confident in their actions and were happier with themselves and how they were growing.
Believe that you can change. Who you are is not fixed. Make your growth game strong!
Stop looking for personality tests so you can put yourself into a box and stay there for eternity, shackled by your own belief that you cannot change things about yourself because "that's just how I am"
Guess what? I'm sick of the way people talk about the F Word. We should friggin love the F word!!
But, ever since we were young we were told to avoid it. We’re told it’s bad. Really bad. DON"T SAY IT! It’s horrible to even think about without getting scared about it. We even get nervous about how it will make us feel!
But yet, in many ways it’s the key to success in pretty much EVERYTHING. Especially in Sport.
Failing is a really hard thing to embrace because a lot of the messages we are getting from the world is that immediate success is critical. To be good without putting in the effort is seen as admirable. To be a “natural” is much more highly valued that being a someone who tries hard - by those people who don't get it! We worry about doing things for the first time because we won't be "good" at them. Does that sound stupid? It does to me. But we do it all the time! Fill the gaps... "I don't do ....... because I am no good at...." We hear it constantly. We choose easier paths because "hard" takes longer and provides more failures, which we're told are all bad! Don't lose, Don't stuff up, Don't make a mistake! But failures can be so good! Imagine the freedom you can have if you truly believe (when you're not yet good at something, or just getting better) and say to yourself THAT'S OK. Who you are is not someone who needs to prove how naturally good they are something. You can learn, learn and keep learning so that you keep moving forward. So you can face and embrace setbacks and reflect and grow and get better.
"An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field"
Have you made all the mistakes in your journey to mastery ?
Do you have goals? New Year resolutions?
It's a nice time to think about these. I don't want to kill the positive thinking buzz you're on....but you should be thinking about your big ugly, self limiting barriers that have been holding you back from fulfillment.
If you have good, strong, big scary goals (the best ones) then you'll have some BIG obstacles and if you want to achieve them you'll have to plow on through some real struggle and growth.
So.... here's the reality:
- You won't fail because you can't "stay positive"
- You won't fail because you weren't "feeling good."
- You won't fail because you don't "want it enough"
You'll fail because you will undoubtedly encounter moments when you're NOT thinking positively, when you're NOT feeling good and when it seems like you DON'T want it anymore... and you'll let those temporary states of mind control the decisions you make in that moment and the next. You'll crave those positive feelings of comfort and confidence. Because they feel good!!! AND you probably THINK you need them to be your best. But that is so wrong.
So... you'll AVOID. Ah the secret pleasure of avoidance. You'll avoid the uncomfortable things required for you to achieve what you want to achieve in the long term.
Avoidance brings immediate pleasure. Comfort returns. Goals drift further away. We slump into our own default mode.
Before you know it...it will take over. I know, i've seen it every year in myself. It will come in the form of things like procrastination, lack of commitment, poor nutrition, avoiding difficult conversations and situations, choosing safety over courage, choosing comfort over valued direction, choosing the EASY path over RIGHT path....And most importantly you'll AVOID EVEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR OWN TENDENCIES THAT HOLD YOU BACK.
Because that feels uncomfortable too - to admit that we're imperfect, that we're "weak" or that we might need help. That means you'll have to admit that maybe you're not the person you try and bullshit yourself into thinking you are. That your discomforts are yours to now courageously confront. Compassionately accept and prepare for all those barriers that lie within you. Plan for those. Take those on - and you might just achieve your New Year Resolution ;)
“It’s all about the Journey”
“It’s the process, not the outcome!”
Seriously, I know you would have seen all the quotes and words of wisdom about how it’s all about focusing on the journey and not the destination. About how we need to focus on the process and not the outcome (this is the favoured sport psychology variety)
Even the recent quote I posted on the FlowSport Facebook page speaks of it (yes…guilty… I do love a good quote)
These things attract us because they make such logical sense! We read them and think: “yes! I need to do that!”
But do we ever actually make change? Sad to say, not usually. And If you’re struggling to put these words of wisdom into practice, then read on…
So how do we actually change our mindset from focusing excessively on where we want to be? How do we stop thinking about what we want and start focusing on what we are doing?
The answer is actually as simple as practice. Practice little moments where we can open up to the small journey’s of everyday life.
Unfortunately, this idea won’t sell books (just blog posts). It won’t fit the with quick-fix agenda that most social media self-help charlatans promote. It requires (oh the irony) a focus on the process of getting better at focusing on the process…
So how do we actually practice embracing the journey and stop focusing on the outcome?
Well, a good place to start is to take some small steps that you can implement every day. Because, like anything in life we need to start small and a way of doing this is to start with all the little “journey’s” that we take throughout the day. Those journeys that we do without thinking. Without actually noticing them. Once we have an idea of these, then we can make the deliberate intention to focus on the full experience.
Take for example, the mundane walk to the car in the parking lot, we need to look at it like we're not actually trying to get to the end result as quickly as possible. It’s not a case of distracting ourselves from the tedious situation of actually having to walk, so the goal appears to arrive quicker. We need to embrace that journey. We need to open up to it. We need to actually experience the little journey, love it or hate it, we need to practice actually experiencing that moment for what it is.
When we do it right, it means we are noticing the environment around us, absorb the smells and the sounds and noting the details and the expressions and behaviours of others around.
If you’ve walked this path a thousand times, try and notice something new about it. Treat the journey with curiosity. Look at the journey through the eyes of someone who has never done it before. Don’t avoid it by rushing it, by distraction, or by mind wandering.
By doing this deliberately, you are getting out of your head (where we are prone to "time-travel") and into the world. The desire to be somewhere quickly fades and you are learning to focus on the taking in all that the journey offers you. And guess what, if you practice it. YOU WILL GET BETTER.
So the goal is, if you can learn to do this more in your "mini journey’s", you can then learn to do it in "the big ones" and hopefully in those big competitions that require a relentless focus on the process.
So go ahead. Give it a try.
You might learn something.
You might notice something you’ve never seen before.
You might actually learn that the journey to the carpark is still part of life.
I would recommend taking one daily “mindful mini-journey” and make yourself fully open to experiencing that every day. Notice how the impulse to rush to the destination quickly comes up. Notice how you desperately try to distract your mind from experiencing the tedious nature of actually having to focus on what you are doing in that moment.
Now, I am off for a walk to the fridge. Mindfully and fully open to that journey ;)
Have you ever got frustrated with thoughts that keep popping into your mind? Have you ever said or thought to yourself, frustratingly: “arrghh stop thinking about that!!”
Stopping thinking is difficult. The mind is constantly thinking. The need to try and control it is well intentioned but difficult. And it is often the wrong way to go about things. It is also really, really hard to do!
We can often control our attention and bring our focus onto the things that we want to focus on, but sometimes the thoughts that we have and the fears of certain thoughts or feelings, keep coming back at us, and this can cause us to focus on them even more.
Imagine if you’re about to perform a really important task in a sporting situation. Maybe you’ve got to serve for the match or you’re on the free throw line. And it is a situation that makes you particularly nervous (maybe a “big” game). You don’t want negative thoughts about failure to come up, that’s true in some sense– since they aren’t exactly fun to have, but can we control our brain enough to completely get rid of these thoughts? I would say, not likely (although everyone is different).
Many (including me) would argue that level of thought control is really not possible. This is because, If you have already categorised thoughts as bad and that they are something that will lead to poor performance, then logically the fear that the negative thoughts will come up will be real. And it will then make it quite likely that they will. Your mind will start looking for them!
It’s like that time when you really, really need to get to sleep. You’re sooo tired that you must get to sleep straight away otherwise you’re not going to function the next day. So… you try really hard to quiet your mind. You try to stop thinking, to stop worrying about getting to sleep, but the worry train keeps chugging along and it doesn’t happen, definitely not quickly!
It’s a bit like that when are trying to find our flow-state in sport. Thoughts about how we are feeling and what we are thinking are just going to delay the chances of us dropping into the moment and performing with freedom.
This might be because of what Charles Baudouin in 1921 called “The law of reversed effort” when introducing this ironic process he stated: “The harder we try to think the good idea, the more violent will be the assaults of the bad idea…” Does this sounds like something you might be familiar with?
Have you ever tried to only think positively about situation only to have all the negative thoughts come back? It may seem to you like you lack the mental control and brain power to control your mind, and some people may even tell you this.
Don’t listen to that crap.
Your brain is doing what it is programmed to do. It’s looking for threats, worrying about what might happen, all in an attempt to keep you safe. To keep you alive.
We’re animals and that is what our brains are wired to do.
So, if the thought control battle is actually one we can’t ever win - then we are going to need to look at it from a different approach. Instead of being involved in the battle in our brains, maybe we step back and observe this battle that is going on. We can notice what are we saying to ourselves, almost step back and say aahh that is my mind doing it’s normal thing, its not actually me. It's not actually harmful.
This also means acknowledging and accepting thoughts, being willing to have them.
Then we need to go about performing the task without spending too much mental energy trying to win the battle in our minds. We need to connect to ‘The Now’ and perform in that space. Connecting with The Now is a skill as well, but its not about eliminating The Noise in our minds.
With this approach, over time, you can take away the power of thoughts, acknowledge that they are just thoughts and not let them be the controlling factor for your performance. The quote below talks about fostering understanding, but I think it fits perfectly with performance as well:
“The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we shall succeed. We cannot make ourselves understand; the most we can do is to foster a state of mind, in which understanding may come to us”. – Aldous Huxley
I would say, what we can do is foster a state of mind in which flow will come to us. That comes from a state of mind that doesn’t fear fear. A mind that doesn’t worry about worries and a mind that doesn’t try to control itself.
When working with Athletes and Coaches the common misconception is that Sport psychology, and my role as a mental skills trainer, is all about getting people to start thinking positively. I actually get people say to me: "oh are you going to talk to them about positive thinking and stuff?
There is a belief that if we just think positive all the time, we're gonna always be happy and perform well. One problem! Life’s not always positive. Bad shit happens. What's more, our minds are programmed to constantly scan and look for threats and negativities. It's a reality. So, during those tough times, our brain is not going to believe that things are going so awesome when you say it is.
Actually, you could look at it in a different way and say that if someone isn’t experiencing a few negative emotions and thoughts, then they’re probably not doing something challenging enough! Because there haven’t been many people that have achieved something great without a few self-doubts and a bit of negative thinking along the way.
Further to this, there has been some popular advice out there that suggests you should imagine your goals happening to you. Just belief it will happen and happy day... it will! They say you should visualize yourself as a winner and having achieved everything you want. In actuality, this has been shown to potentially have a negative effect on the chance you’ll succeed at what you want to. It’ll just be a fun dream.
So here’s the tip for young aspiring young athletes. When setting yourself a goal, take a different approach. Set yourself a positive, realistic and challenging goal, but then write down all the things that are going to be extremely difficult about achieving your goal and then imagine yourself experiencing and getting through those moments. Make a plan for how you’re going to deal with all the obstacles and mental blocks along the way.
For an example, it could be getting up early for the gym in the middle of winter that might curb your fitness goals or avoiding alcohol when you’re out on the weekend or going through the process of having to learn a new skill and being prepared to fail at it and having to deal with that. Imagine yourself experiencing these difficulties and still moving forward!
Don’t kid yourself that it’s going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Think about the bad times, what it might feel like and how you’re going to get through them. You actually do want to imagine yourself achieving your goals as well, but we don’t want to trick our minds into thinking that it’ll come easy. That is the biggest worry. No great achievements are easy. Remember that and embrace the hard times by imagining yourself pushing through them!
So go ahead and dream big, but if you do, remember to contrast your dreams with some thinking about all the shit that you’ll have to deal with along the way.
The world of popular sport psychology is full of false beliefs. I want to share with you some of the biggest problematic beliefs. Some of these make my work difficult and some of them really do hold people back from getting better!
Myth 1: A couple of tips and techniques will have a significant long term impact on your performance.
Yes, this is a big myth that people cling to. The belief that a cue word, a little bit of visualization, a solid goal or a relaxation technique will have a significant impact on your performance is false. Here's an unfortunate truth: Real change takes time.
The human brain is wired in a certain way and it will ensure that you, more often than not, will respond in the same way you have acted in the past. Unless you consistently make systematic steps toward changing your habits. And you have to keep working on it!
You will need to work hard to change, but that will make it all the more satisfying when you do experience some success. It's true, even on this website you'll see some quick tips and strategies, but even those tips require practice and work to make them effective. Bottom line, if you want to change, you have to put in a bit of work, that's why having someone to work with you along the way is so effective.
Myth 2: Sport psychology is only needed for those who are mentally weak (or have a "problem")
Another myth is that performers should only seek support if it is to help them fix a certain problem or to make them “mentally tough”
It is a true that a lot of sport psychology practice helps people deal with certain issues. But, Sport psychology training and consulting is also about performance enhancement. You can enhance your performance no matter what level you are at right now or how "mentally tough" you already perceive yourself to be. After all, your mind is in control of your body so if you can train that to help you perform at an optimal level more often, then you are setting yourself up for consistent success.
A huge majority of the top athletes in the world get sport psychology support and this has been a huge factor in sporting success. It is NOT about mental weakness, it is about finding and developing existing strengths.
Myth 3: If I feel good, I’ll perform good.
A major problem in sport is the pursuit of consistent positive feelings. That’s right. The belief that we should be FEELING happy and confident all the time leads to significant mental distress in sport.
This is because when we find ourselves in times of stress and struggle, we tell ourselves it shouldn't be like this. We tell ourselves we're not going to play well. We try and fight off the bad feelings.
Then, we end up overthinking and focusing on what's going on inside our head, rather than focusing on our performance and what is important.
We all want to feel great all the time, but emotions arise in different situations for different people and that's how the mind behaves in normal human beings. How we feel is also a result of our own unique genetics, and our lifetime experiences that have shaped and moulded us to become who we are.
The best practice you can try to implement, is to practice focusing on what your are doing, rather than what you are feeling - something which you hear me saying a lot!
If you believe that you need to feel good to perform good, then it's going to be pretty hard not to focus on those feelings. So drop that myth and just be yourself.
Myth 4: Sport is 90% mental
I love this one. You will hear sports commentators, fans and athletes talk about the “top two inches” and that it is “all mental at the top level” or people may talk about how percentages like its 80% mental and 20% physical. All these sorts of numbers are fun, but obviously have no scientific thought behind them, they don’t even make sense if you look at it realistically.
Our brain is in control our entire body! Neural networks fire in a sequence that helps our bodies move in ways that enables us do amazing things in the arena of sport. Whatever we are doing, our brain is in control.
So in effect, it is all "mental"
Take learning a new skill as an example. When you learn a new skill you are rewiring your brain in ways that will enable that skill to be remembered and become automatic (proceduralised) so that in future it can be replicated without conscious thought. A simple example of this is walking. When you were learning to walk, you wont remember, but you no doubt had to consciously think a lot about how you would move your legs and balance yourself. Also, I’d bet you fell over a fair bit! (this wasn’t you "failing" at walking btw - which is how a lot of people see learning these days, it was you learning what didn’t work and improving as a result!)
Now just because the skill becomes automatic, doesn't mean that it's not "mental" any more. When something is in "muscle memory" it doesn't mean the brain is no longer in control. In fact, in pressure situations it is exactly that muscle memory that can be hijacked and cause us to fail at even the most simple skills .
This is another blog all together, but, I am against the current trend of needing to categorise an athletes' life in different areas of focus. Strength and conditioning, nutrition and skill learning.. etc. What might be called the "pillars" or whatever. ALL at stuff has important psychological elements because it is all human behaviour! The best method of development is based around integrating all this into a holistic athlete development programme, where various experts in different fields collaborate and work together.
Those are some of my big myths you'll hear about in sport and performance psychology, but there are plenty more. What I teach, and how I practice, comes from evidence based research (i.e. in danger of sounding like an informercial: it's been shown to work in scientific studies!).
I offer training and support that has been tried and trusted by athletes around the world. Hopefully by packaging it in a way that is easy to understand and not full of too much psychobabble!